The Snowpocalypse

Day 1:

It's snowing. I hate snow. Some dogs seem to enjoy chasing snowflakes, I am not enough of a simpleton to be entertained by such mindless activities. It covers up all the interesting smells, it makes it hard to go potty, it sticks to fur and then slowly melts and makes you wet for hours. But worst of all THE COLD HURTS MY DELICATE LITTLE FEETIES! The humans tried to get me to wear booties, which might have been a good idea except: NO ONE TOUCHES MY PAWS. They won't try again. Miserable stuff, snow.

Day 2:

It stopped for now, but it's colder and not melting. I watched for several hours as the humans apparently tried to make statutes of themselves out of snow. Somehow their creations looked even more ridiculous than the originals. What a waste of time and energy. Humans are morons. I decided to do something useful and punish the stupid yellow thing.

Day 3:

It's snowing again. I am growing concerned because I have noticed that the humans haven't gone past the front yard since the snow started. If it lasts much longer I fear we could run out of chicken. I am forced to make a decision that fills me with, not guilt... revulsion I guess: If necessary I will eat the humans to survive. I HATE SNOW.

Day 4:

The Snowpocalypse is finally coming to an end. It's getting warmer and the snow is beginning to melt. This nightmare continued for far too long. I feel I only survived due to my incredible strength and fortitude. No doubt many lesser animals perished in the icy wastes.

Unfortunately the snow is being replaced with wind and driving rain. Which reminds me: I HATE RAIN ALMOST AS MUCH AS SNOW. Stupid weather. Man, I really need some chicken.

The Yellow Thing

I hate the yellow thing. I could pretend this was part of some SLAPT training exercise, and honestly I would love to see this level of ferocity in my recruits, but this is about me wanting to hurt the stupid yellow thing. I'm not really sure why but my hatred for it burns with the flames of a thousand suns and so I must hunt it and punish it.

The Time Has Come

These are dark times indeed. Various foul beasts openly roam the streets. The humans stumble about, drooling on themselves, oblivious to the danger. And these buffoons are the primary source of chicken! I can no longer sit idly by and allow the situation to worsen.

I have attempted in the past to create a dog army, but have failed because most of my canine brethren are weak-minded fools who can't, or won't, follow orders. Recent events have given me a new idea for the creation of my army. I have been contacted by two brave papillons who have pledged their allegiance to me. While an army of dogs may have failed an army of papillons will be unstoppable!

Okay, so their fighting style is a little weak. I am confident with my brilliant training methods that I can mold them into dangerous combat machines. And then there is the issue of their names, Snuggle Bum and Honey Bun. I mean I know it's not like Chloe strikes fear into your heart when you hear it, but then you see me and realize I am one to be reckoned with. I'm not sure they have that same presence. But I think I have a solution to this problem, upon induction into my army I shall assign new recruits code names. For these two I'm thinking Death Bringer and Tony.

And so I shall create the Size: Large Army of Papillon Terror or SLAPT. My minions will soon sweep across the planet, gathering all of the chicken and destroying any that dare oppose us!

Be warned world, you are about to get SLAPT.

El Gato Terribles

My humans found me a really good bone and I've been spending all my free time chewing it. I'd apologize for the lack of posts, but I really don't care. My brilliance is a gift, be thankful for what you get.

That said recent events have jolted me from my bone chewing haze. I have long heard rumors of sinister creatures of the night called "Cats." Most other dogs I have spoken to view them with a mixture of hatred and fear. Some, however, claim they are keepers of dark secrets on how to manipulate and control humans. Strangely I have never encountered them personally and in the past I have even considered seeking them out to see to determine what they truly are. That has changed.

I first saw one of the foul beasts while on a walk:

And then shortly thereafter one appeared on the fence that surrounds my back yard:

I know not why they have suddenly appeared but I instantly realized that these "Cats" are dangerous and terrible beasts and I was foolish to have thought I might be able to learn from them. Their teeth and claws are brutal weapons, sharpened to a razor edge. They are able to climb and jump with a level of skill that before I have only seen in much smaller creatures. Though I have a spotted them during the day, they seem to mostly come at night, mostly. I can only imagine what nefarious activities they are hiding in the dark.

The Pigeon

I have obtained information that may indicate the humans are better prepared to deal with the Deer Threat than I thought at first. While the source of the information in unreliable at best, he didn't seem to have any reason to lie...

Birds are dumb, frustrating to talk to, and distractingly tasty. They are, however, gifted with the ability to speak many languages and, of course, fly. This at least gives them the potential to be a useful source of information. When I happened to run across a local pigeon I resisted the urge to eat him and instead tried to see if I could learn anything about the Dear Menace.

"Hey, pigeon!"
"Hey, dog! You gonna chase me?"
"Depends. You know anything about deer?"
"What's to know? You got any bread crumbs? I loves me some bread crumbs. OH! YEAH!"
"Uhh, no, sorry. There seems to be a lot of deer around lately, and they have those spiky things pasted to their heads, make me nervous."
"I REALLY WANT SOME BREAD CRUMBS! I'm jonesing bad, man. Deer don't fly, so I'm not worried. But you don't have to either. Do you know where I might find some bread crumbs?"
"No. If you help me out I might be able to get you a little kibble. But I need to know why I don't have to worry about deer."
"Pshh, dog food tastes like dog food! Booya! Yeah, BOY!"
"Umm, okay."
"Ya know, dog, I like you. You're pretty cool for a dog. Not barking an' trying to eat me and stuff. That's pretty chill, for a dog. You don't gotta worry about the the deer because when the weather gets cool the humans bust out their thunder sticks and BANG! BANG! DEER STEW, BOY! Boom shakalaka! Happens every year. And the deer that escape go hide in the deep forest. You sure about the bread crumbs?"
"Uhh, yeah, Thanks, I think."
"LISTEN! You see any breadcrumbs, you remember I hooked you up with the legit info. Later, D  O  G!"

Obviously he's crazy and I can't trust him, but it gives me some hope. I will remain vigilant.

Barbarians at the Gate

Last night I heard noises in the front yard and went to investigate. One of the dreaded deer was there, brazenly eating the grass. IN MY YARD! I needed to alert the humans, if they saw this maybe they would finally understand the gravity of the deer situation. Unfortunately the humans have the bad habit of either ignoring me or, for some strange reason, yelling at me when I bark in the middle of night. I knew I had to be extra loud and frantic to get their attention. It took a minute and left me rather hoarse but finally one came to investigate. He opened the curtain, took a look around, and then did the most inexplicable thing I could imagine: He patted me on the head and said, "It's just a deer. Go back to sleep."

Just a deer!?! There are giant creatures with sharpened spikes strapped to their heads invading our neighborhood and I'm not supposed to be concerned? I know humans are a little slow, but really? They don't see the problem!?! Since it appears I'm the only one who can see what's going on I must be prepared for the neighborhood to fall into the clutches of the evil deer. My first choice is to fight, but the time may come I when need to flee and regroup. In preparation I have begun construction of an escape tunnel under the backyard fence. I hope I don't need it, but I fear I will.

The Threat Grows

The deer situation continues to grow increasingly troublesome. Although they haven't undertaken any overtly hostile actions, they seem to be stepping up their surveillance efforts. The local fields have dried up as the summer has progressed and the deer are using the brown grass for cover to conduct their spy missions.

Such primitive techniques are of course not enough to fool someone with my acute sense of smell, unfortunately the deception may work on the other, simpler, inhabitants of my neighborhood. While I have been unable to fully ascertain their intentions, it seems obvious that they are trying to covertly gather information. As they continue to move deeper and more boldly into the neighborhood, I can only assume their intentions are sinister. Worse yet, I fear they may have an ally.

I have never given much thought to the local rabbit population, except as a possible snack food. Recently, however, I have noticed a substantial increase in their numbers. Like the deer, they seem to be trying to quietly monitor things, barely moving as I pass, foolishly hoping I won't notice them.

I have repeatedly tried to convince the humans to let me capture and interrogate them, but the stubborn fools, blissfully unaware of the potential danger, always drag me away. I do not know for certain that they are connected to the deer, but it seems odd that the increase in their numbers and movement has coincided so closely with the deer influx. I desperately need more information. I MUST find a way to get it.